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Don't Divorce Your Children
from: Jean MahserjianDivorce is certainly an emotional time for families. In fact, it
ranks as one of the most stressful experiences in life. However,
it is not only the adults who experience this stress. If the
adults are parents, their children often suffer greatly. Their
suffering can not be entirely eliminated. A certain amount of
grief at the 'death' of their parents' relationship is to be
expected. Nevertheless, while the adults are going through
typically arduous legal wrangling it is important for them to
remember the needs of their children and put them first.
Deciding to cooperate for their sake will help to protect the
children's emotional well being by maintaining their sense of
security and need for unconditional love. Marital breakdown is
difficult for everyone - especially children. There are several
ways in which loving, responsible parents can cooperate for the
good of their children. Even though the marriage may have broken
down, the parental relationship is 'till death do us part'.
Child and youth counselors emphasize that children need lasting
relationships with both parents. More often than not joint
custody is granted because of this accepted understanding.
Ideally, the relationship of the parents should be business-like
and cooperative for the sake of the children. Children should
not witness hostility between their parents and should not hear
negative statements about either parent. It is recommended that
parents commit to regularly scheduled meetings, in a neutral
location for the purpose of discussing child-related issues.
Education, medical, religious and moral issues that concern the
children's well- being need to be dealt with by both parents. If
emotions prohibit calm conversation, there are often family
justice counselors available in the community to facilitate
these important meetings.
Children going through the divorce of their parents usually have
many questions and worries. Compassionate responses are required
and it certainly takes mature parents in order to put aside
their own issues and help their children gain some understanding
about a situation over which they have no control.
Unfortunately, many children experience guilt and often blame
themselves for the marital breakup of their parents. Counseling
- whether group or individual - can be an effective way to
lessen this destructive burden. The objectivity of the counselor
may help the child open up and share his/her feelings. As
children mature, their questions will differ so the issue of
their parents' divorce is never really over. A commitment on
behalf of both parents to open communication with the children
will reassure them greatly.
About the author:
Jean Mahserjian has practiced family law for close to two
decades and is the author of many books devoted to helping
consumers understand family law, including the issues of child
custody and support. To download free excerpts from her family
law books, visit:
target="blank">Winning at Custody
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